I wrote myself this letter, when I was in the midst of the crisis of covid-19 and in fear of losing everything that I have ever worked for.
I have been fully immersed in the pages of Untamed by Glennon Doyle. She writes about tapping into an inner knowing, an inner pull. She talks about the safe structures we build around ourselves based on necessity or social pleasing and the lives we create for ourselves that are counter to our inner knowing.
She talks about burning it all down. The structures. The safety net. The things that no longer serve us. The things that we think we “should be” in the name of what is meant to be.
I hold these ideas close to me as I ramble with ideas of closing my brick and mortar, branching out on my own, leaving it all to stay home with my kids, re-building something new, creating new platforms for my team, holding tight to what was, or burning it all down and running away.
My inner pull, my intuition has always been strong. I tap into the sensation in my body….but this time is different. The global anxiety and built up stress is lingering my tissues. I’m an empath. I feel others feelings intensely and it’s clouding my ability to tap into my own inner knowing. My emotions are extra amplified. Choices are plentiful, and the future is so uncertain it’s hard to know where to pivot my attention. So I sit here in overwhelm instead.
I mutter to myself, “It’s not ok, but I’m ok…..It’s not ok, but I’m ok.” I reflect on more than just my blessings, but the reality that…I am ok. My family is ok. I am ok and don’t waste a second stressing and worrying when currently you are……ok.
Right now, the studio is here. Right now you are healthy. Right now your family is good. Your home is good. I’ve let my attention slip to daily worry instead of daily gratitude so I’m pulling in another trick from Glennon Doyle.
“What is the truest, most beautiful story about your life that you can imagine?”
The truest, most beautiful story about your life is you have always been led. You have always asked for guidance and you have always been led. You committed to do what was best and asked the sky above what that was, instead of letting your ego determine the route. There’s always been someone beside you leading the way and you have never been alone in this.
You faced immense pain and struggle in your youth so you could build resilience. It led you into the darkness so you could be comfortable with others when they were in theirs. You were given tools, guides, supports and everything you could ever need so you could get out of the darkness and into the light.
You were given guts that told you “go this way” or “stop.” You learned to trust them. You started to listen. You started to act. The more you listened, the easier it became. The green lights and red lights became brighter and bolder and you no longer feared choice….you just opened and closed the doors.
You met the love of your life in a moment and dropped everything you had; work, home and relationships and moved in a day and you never looked back. You ignored all rational and pressures to do otherwise because you trusted that inner knowing. You created a foundation for you both where love is central, freedom is non-negotiable and possibility is vast. Your partner works hard to pay for house and home and family so your work can support community. Your partnership supports the story.
You were gifted opportunities to train in service, the right people at the right time dropped in to support you and when you made a pledge to work for others the doors flew open. When the call to open a studio arrived you said YES without hesitation even though it was never your plan. You knew that it was THE plan.
And when the world fell apart and the business of yoga went with it…..you stayed strong enough to wait. You remembered all of your tools. You remembered all of your support systems. When the emotional pressure became too much you remembered to wait. You remembered that your emotions are not your inner knowing. You remembered to trust and go deeper.
You were lifted out of the hole of apathy and grief and brought back to a place of listening and waiting. Listening and waiting. Listening and waiting. You remembered the teachings of the Gita, “do your best, and let go of the rest.” Surrender to your dharma, but don’t stop doing your best.
You realized your dharma isn’t ending, you are in your dharma right now. This is the work. Right now. Are you brave enough to listen, to let go, to transform? Are you brave enough to get out of your own way. To listen to your inner knowing and put your emotions to the side?
My most beautiful story is still unfolding. It has nothing to do with the survival of my yoga studio but the survival of me. The impermanence of things and the permanence of the forces beyond me. The ones that guide me and the ones that guide you.
My truest most beautiful story of my life is that it all belongs. The pain, the struggle, the confusion, the overwhelm. It’s leading me to my freedom. It’s leading me to my knowing. So I hear I sit and gather enough courage to push on. To do my best. To know that some things will have to change and that I will have let go. To know that letting go will be a beautiful next step into the next thing that’s meant for me. That whatever happens is meant to happen and it will all be ok.
I am ok. More than ok. Stay strong enough to sit and listen.
When things go sideways for you…. can you to stop to ask yourself, what am I missing here? Is this a piece of the story? The most beautiful story of my life?
With grace and grit,